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Author/ advocate/ RISE4WAR content contributor
By Denise Stokes
The more I commit myself to love and peace, the more hatred and controversy surround me. I have such a powerful zest for life, love, smiles, and compassion I have no idea why this is so hard. But at the end of the day I care about 2 things: spreading love and saving people’s lives. I try to live a fulfilled and complete personal life but again, the controversy!
I don’t have a husband and children. I don’t have a mom who gives a deep Shit. I don’t have a father and never even used the word dad. My blood sisters love me but honestly they have their own dad’s, stepmoms and children. I’m not in a relationship because I’m tired of being cheated on, put 2nd and 3rd, or hidden because he’s ashamed I have HIV. I’m an exquisite woman – deeply good to a man but I have never been kept safe or taken care of. Only used, devastated in my heart, and easily cast aside -so I just throw the white flag in. I love me just fine.
I’m worm out too because I’m not properly covered with insurance so my body suffers a lot of what I can’t afford to pay to have surgery on. Whatever needs doing in my life I have done solely for myself with no help and no one to call for backup since I was 16 and with HIV. It’s hard but it’s fair. I find my happiness in showing other people love and respect, in spending my life trying to save your life from AIDS, and in writing poetry and taking cool pictures.
Seriously, I pay a lot of heavy dues just to breathe!!!! I don’t bother anyone – I have too much love for people and too little time on this earth to spend my time hating. So for God’s sake, if you can’t be peaceable and loving for REAL, bypass me. I have so much I want to accomplish to help save and enrich people’s lives. I don’t have the time or luxury for petty disturbances. I am dying. We are all dying and we are all living the best way we know how until that happens. But I am dealing with my demise every day in every ache, infection, puke and pain I have. And it’s relentless – all day long I literally hurt.
Outliving death is hard work. Trying to change the world for the better is hard work. No one is helping me beat this disease or make an impact on these kids. So if you’re not helping me – why would you hurt me and make it even harder for me to spend my life trying to do something that will help others?
I am building a legacy. I have so much live saving wisdom I keep trying to share. I am tired and weak, but I am determined to continue my work despite the obstacles. I will die doing this but my efforts have saved lives and will save even more! You can keep trying to break me – but God don’t like ugly and He is very protective of His dedicated soldiers. Just fair warning that interference with a spiritual mission is not wise…
Thank you for living out loud and eloquently Denise. You are not alone and together we can RISE4WAR.
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